V: Tiltshark, guppyhawk and other Natalie Portmanteaus (pace Mr. McIntosh)

Starting balance: $222.75

When Herr V. is not letting life's precious fluid seep away through the open vein that is on-line poker, he is in bars with BB and Douchebag on that dizzying tour of all phenomenon both natural and human that is the pub quiz. And it was at just such a pub quiz some two weeks ago where we learned that, until the 19th century, a giraffe was known by the portmanteau name of "cameleopard" (a term which for some unfathomable though welcome reason yielded this picture when run through Google Images).

And so too I deserve my own almagamated monicker. Because, while deep inside me, is a competent poker player, he is unfortunately encased in a thick and most unpliant layer of self-destructive asshole. So I am in search of a name that captures my very yinny yin and my very yangy yang, my constant vacillation between him and him.

Appearences to the contrary notwithstanding, I can make a reasonable claim on the whole inner competency thing. On Sunday night, I took first place in a 13-seated, NLHE bricks-and-mortar game with a 2500 baht (US$70) buy-in, taking home the tidy sum of 15,000 baht (I leave the FX conversion to you).

Again, was luck a factor? Again, for sure, but so what? I busted out AT with A8, but he had survived an all-in with AQ against my AK two hands earlier when the board straightened us both out, so, well, that's poker. More shamefully, I got caught setting a shortstacked QJ all-in pre-flop with my 54, and busted him out with a pair of 5's; later on, heads up, I went all in truly blind into what turned out to be a 62 vs. A6 showdown that ended with only my 2 pairing. But overall I was patient and strategic, played both board and man, pushed hard when I could and retreated when I had to, and didn't devolve into this until it was properly time.

Capitalizing on this good fortune, I turned my attention to on-line, where I have recently been suffering a series of staggeringly humiliating losses, though fortunately virtually all at micro-stakes so that the overall blow, while considerable, did not force me into a second re-buy. And lo, my good fortune carried over: yesterday, in a string of eight one-table SNG's, I managed to take first place an unprecedented five times, and second place once. And some mighty come-from-behind wins in there too, as Khun Douche can attest to: in one particularly memorable NLHE game, I was shortstacked with five players and so went on a successful blind-stealing spree that got me back in contention, finally going into HU as a 5:1 underdog after my opponent knocked out the remaining players (thank you, masked man!). Much to both his and mine mounting sense of incredulity, I survived a series of coin flips (e.g., 33 vs AQ) that, combined with one well-timed, pimphand of a reraise on an attempted blind-steal, had me taking home both glory and first place cash.

Now, I am sorry, but there is just no way that seven of nine tourney wins (counting the B&M game) can be attributed to pure luck. Nor is this my first good run, as evidenced by my prior run on UB to get back into this competition.

So where does it all go horribly wrong? Because it does. Immediately after taking a break from cards to have dinner with my lovely, I was back in, and remain in, the crapper. I've gone from "hot" to "tilt" (or worse") on sharkscope, and rightly so! Douche had a bad run, but that featured such time-space fabric rips as his JJJ running into very stealthy 4444. I, on the other hand, went on kind of reverse-tilt, and so fueled a series of AJ v. AK, 88 vs. 99, four-flush/straight chasing misadventures that managed virtually to erode any gains that I made. "Don't leave a rush," D. had rightly advised before I went off for my bowl of marital noodles. Still, attending to one's wife is its own, rich reward (I keed, I keed).

Anyway, work demands will staunch the outward flow for now. In the meantime, just call me Gallabuddha.

Ending balance: $231.80